Something...

I'm not sure why, but there's something inside of me that is constantly on the verge of breaking into tears. God, that sounds ridiculous. That feeling in the throat that happens just before you cry...that's always there. I don't know where it comes from or why it happens, but it keeps me from sleeping and it goes away when I write. I'd like it to go away when I sing, but it doesn't always. I'm not really sure why I'm even writing this right now. Maybe it comes from not knowing my mother's family very well. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe there's something wrong with my fucking esophagus, I don't know.
I have quite a few friends I haven't seen in awhile, and thinking about that fucks me up too. I miss them. I feel like an awful person for not calling them, but I still don't do it. I just sit on my fucking bed and think about what an asshole I am. Do other people do that?!