Auntie Em

The Wizard of Oz is on right now. Some things- movies, songs, TV shows, etc.- take me back to my childhood so completely and so sharply, it almost physically hurts. I miss my Grandma. She was my Auntie Em; the one who stayed right by me every minute when I was sick, who would've gone out in the cyclone to look for me if she thought I was in danger, the reason I would've taken my ass out of Oz in the first place. I never really appreciated her while she was around. Cliche, I know, but true nonetheless. I was a mean, rotten, nasty little kid. I was never as nice to her as I should have been, and she was easily the sweetest person to ever walk the earth. No matter how much I yelled at her, or disobeyed her, or disrespected her, she never stopped loving me. Yeah, she'd smack me, but I deserved it (and worse, believe me). If she were here now, I'd tell her I was sorry. I'd dance with her, and sing with her, and listen to every story she told me without rolling my eyes once. I'd tell her that she made me a better person simply by being my Grandma. She couldn't really remember much toward the end- not anything, really- but she had a moment of clarity when she grabbed my arm and smiled at me and told me that I was the best one in the parade. Even during the worst of her Alzheimer's, she remembered me and she loved me (even if it was only for a minute). I never, ever treated her the way she deserved to be treated and now she's gone and all I can do is cry like a fucking idiot every time I remember her. Why is it that I never appreciate anyone until they're gone? Is that normal? Does everyone do that?! I just know I miss my Grandma. I miss her so much, it feels like a hole's been punched in my chest. If I could just hug her one more time, or hear her laugh (even if she was laughing at me). Oh Jesus, this is ridiculous. I have been reduced to a sniveling eight-year-old while watching the fucking Wizard of Oz. I know she forgave me, because that's who she was, but I just wish I could go back. Fuck, I sound like a retard. I don't fucking care. I love her. I love her, and I miss her. I miss my Grandma, and it fucking hurts. It hurts like a bastard. God, the worst part of this movie is when Dorothy can see Auntie Em looking for her in the witch's crystal ball, and she cries out to her, and the witch comes into view cackling and mocking her. That's how I feel right now. Like I'm yelling and she can't hear me, and someone's out there laughing at me.